Impasse
by Sarahwj
Summary: Pre-epilogue. That moment years later where Peeta is ready to expand their family and Katniss isn't.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Um, hi there! This is my first journey into Hunger Games fan fiction and I do hope you all will be nice :). I was incredibly intrigued by the epilogue and how it seemed that Katniss and Peeta were at an impasse when it came to having children. Let me know what you think!**

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><p>When I woke up that morning the light streaming through the window was soft and for once warmed me. Stretching I felt the other side of the bed only to find it cold but still messy. I knew he had gone to the bakery early to make sure he was able to be home as soon as possible. In our first year of marriage Peeta and myself had reached an agreement that he would always be home for dinner. I blamed my upbringing, but the truth was that some of my favorite memories of us occurred over that dinner table.<p>

I sat up slowly allowing my body to adjust to the change in position. I rubbed my eyes and made my way to the kitchen to see what I could scrounge up for breakfast. I always knew I would have fresh bread, it was the other options that I was never sure of. While hunger was not the problem in District 12 now it was still something that I worried about constantly.

I smiled as I saw the flower buds on the bushes Peeta had planted years before were beginning to bloom. Through years of counseling I had come to a somewhat understanding of my sister's untimely death. While it was still incredibly unfair that she was taken too soon, she at least died trying to do something she was passionate about. My therapist Fritz had opened my eyes to how I was willing to die in my obsession to kill Snow was similar to her passion for willing to die to help the innocents.

As I practically inhaled my toast and fried rabbit meat I decided my goals for today would be to hunt a little and to perhaps clean the house. I laughed to myself as I changed into my father's worn leather jacket. I didn't expect to be at this place 14 years ago when the world as I knew it changed.

Hours later when I returned home the sun was nearly gone and the shadows were taking over. I smiled at my bounty, never hunting more than I needed these days. While nobody was hungry any longer many still preferred the taste of wild game to the food shipped in from other parts of the country. I dropped the excess with Sae and practically ran home.

As I shed my jacket and walked to the kitchen knowing that's where I'd find my husband I felt a little giddy. Peeta and I had a hard road but I knew now that truly I couldn't have lived without him.

"Hey," Peeta called over his shoulder from where he was stirring something on the stove.

"Hey," I replied, my voice almost gravely from how little I used it today.

"I made some rabbit stew, I figured it was probably about to go bad," Peeta told me as he turned around. "You look so beautiful Katniss."

I laughed humorlessly as I crossed the room and nearly fell into his waiting arms. Peeta embraced me without abandon and I felt a rush of warmth through my body.

"How was your day?" I asked as I looked into his eyes.

"Good," he shrugged.

I nodded and moved to take a few bowls from the cabinet. I readied our utensils for dinner as Peeta started to serve up the stew.

"You really made a lot tonight," I commented as we sat at the table.

"I figured we could have left over's and give what we can't eat tomorrow to Haymitch."

I nodded silently and dug into my stew.

As quickly as we had finished cleaning after dinner we had just as quickly cleaned each other in the shower. I dispensed a generous amount of the lotion we were both supposed to apply to our skin due to our burns and bent to lather my legs.

"You look beautiful," Peeta said softly from behind me.

Our eyes met in the reflection of the mirror. I immediately noticed as Peeta's eyes darkened and his breath became shallower. I gasped immeasurably as his arms wove around my waist.

"Come to bed," Peeta whispered in my ear as he nibbled my earlobe.

"Can't I finish this?" I smiled tilting my head to the side.

"How about I finish it for you," Peeta suggested pouring a generous amount in his hands and slathering my belly.

"Well don't let me stop you," I smiled practically baring myself to my husband.

"I do have something serious to talk to you about," Peeta murmured as he kissed my neck.

"Mmm," I moaned weaving my hand through his hair.

"I want us to have a baby," Peeta said as he rubbed his thumb below my bellybutton.

"Absolutely not," I replied without hesitation.

"Katniss," Peeta sighed, "I really don't understand why you won't."

I turned around and took a shuttering breath as I braced my hands on our bathroom counter. Looking into Peeta's eyes it was hard to say no to him, but instantly I was brought back to the day Prim's name was chosen and I volunteered. How could we imagine bringing a child into a world where things of that nature could happen?

"You know why I wont," I said.

"But there hasn't been a reaping for over a decade. This democracy thing is working well, and for once people in District 12 aren't hungry or being blown up in a mine. It's the best time possible," Peeta argued.

I shook my head and left the bathroom. I threw an almost sheer cotton shirt on over my body and crawled into bed. I felt the bed dip slightly as Peeta joined me, he sighed loudly as he burrowed into his pillow.

"I know you don't understand why I wont do this," I said softly, "but I have a hard time thinking of myself as a mother. I couldn't protect anyone who put their trust in me before now. How could I protect a helpless baby?"

"Because Katniss you tried to protect them as best you could, which is more than I could have done."

I sighed and winced as I remembered Prim's body exploding. I felt a silent tear fall down my cheek at the memory. Peeta's arms wound around me and pulled me close to him. He smoothed down my hair and I instantly burst into sobs.

"Shh Katniss, it's okay."

"No it isn't. She trusted me to protect her and she still died Peeta, she's gone," I screamed.

"Oh Katniss."

I let out a loud hiccough and tried to stop my sobs. It had been months since I had a breakdown of this size. It always seemed to happen on what I considered to be a better day.

"Peeta, can't you see why we can't have a child?" I whispered.

"I'll let it go for tonight," Peeta sighed. "But, let me just say your dedication to protecting Prim showed how amazing of a mother you will be."

He gave my waist one final squeeze before settling into his pillow. I knew the conversation was finished for the night. But I knew it wasn't finished for good, and that made it feel like I had a brick on my chest.

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><p><strong>AN: Ps. Not Beta'd...and leave a comment if you feel so inclined!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Wow! Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing this story! I have gotten so many hits on the story, favorites, and alerts. I'm honestly beyond shocked at this!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Hunger Games, if that isn't already obvious.**

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><p>A week later I had come home from visiting Sae and found Peeta beating a pile of dough on our counter. Usually he just used the machines he had insisted we purchase for his baking so I knew something was wrong. He only did this when he was frustrated and needed to take out aggression. I made little noise as I put my things in the closet and headed to take a shower. It was obvious tonight dinner was going to be late.<p>

As I removed my clothes I stared in the mirror taking account of the marred flesh that would never heal. I was still in awe as to how Peeta found me attractive. I quickly hopped into the steaming shower so I would quit staring at myself.

"Katniss," Peeta called opening the bathroom.

"Yes?" I replied as I lathered up my hair.

"Have you given any more thought to what we talked about?" he asked.

"What the whole having a child thing?"

"Yeah, that," Peeta said somberly.

"I still can't do it Peeta," I replied.

"What will it take for me to convince you?" Peeta asked.

"There isn't any convincing in this matter. I refuse to even think about our child going through half of the things we've been through. I don't want them to be as messed up in the head as we are. Damn it Peeta, don't you see it's completely unfair for us to have a child while you're still having flashbacks. Albeit they're so infrequent now, and me having these days where I can't get out of bed because of all the mocking jay shit."

I took a deep breath after my rant. The steam of the shower was taking me over and I was thankful I was finished because the steam was starting to make me feel lightheaded. Because of my burns it was sometimes hard for me to tell the temperature of the water, what felt good on one part of my body would scald the other.

"Katniss," Peeta whispered as I opened the shower door. I raised my head to meet his eyes. The look in Peeta's eyes nearly broke me.

"I'm sorry," I replied softly as I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

Peeta wordlessly left the bathroom leaving me alone in my own thoughts. I wrapped myself in a towel and braced my hands against the vanity. I couldn't even handle to look myself in the mirror. I simply hung my head and let the tears fall. I felt my legs give out beneath me and I fell into a heap on the floor.

"Why can't I just give him this?"

I went to bed without dinner that night. After I gathered myself in the bathroom I could only force myself to get into the bed. I woke at four in the morning and found a plate of cheese rolls and a glass of water on my nightstand. I rolled over and found Peeta fast asleep.

I rolled to face his sleeping form. I softly braced my hand on his scruffy cheek. In sleep he looked like the innocent boy that was reaped the same day I was, just with a few more distinguished lines. I traced his eyebrows and lips and allowed myself to pretend that I didn't have emotional hang-ups. In a perfect world I would have made a point to wake Peeta up so we could attempt to make a baby. Allowing myself to truly take it a step further I imagined what that child would look like.

Would it be a boy or a girl? Who would it look like the most? I could only hope it got Peeta's regal coloring compared to my simple Seam looks. I let out a shuddering sigh and closed my eyes.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" Peeta's morning voice asked me breaking me from my thoughts.

"No reason."

"Mmm, I don't believe you," Peeta replied.

"That's fine."

"Katniss, I love you."

"I love you too," I replied kissing Peeta's lips.

"Tell me something good that happened to you yesterday?" Peeta asked pushing a tangled piece of hair behind my ear.

"I gave a Sae's granddaughter one of those cupcakes you made me," I said softly trailing my finger down his chest.

"What made you do that?" he asked.

"She asked for it," I shrugged.

"Oh," he laughed to himself and shook his head.

I felt Peeta's hand glide down from its position on my cheek, down my neck as he kissed my forehead. As he peppered my face with kisses his hand made it's way down my arm to my naked hip.

"What are you doing?" I asked between returning kisses.

"Loving my wife," he smiled against my lips.

"You do that every day Peeta."

Peeta didn't say a word to that; he simply just kissed me with a little more fervor as he brought his body over mine. I parted my legs allowing him to settle against me and felt his arousal as he thrusted his hips to mine.

I could lie and say that every time with Peeta was just like the time before. But I would be lying. Peeta always went out of his way to make me feel cherished and satisfied. It was like the first time we discovered each other when we had sex.

As soon as we both were spent Peeta pulled my body so my head was resting on his chest, and my left leg was draped over his hips. I squeezed him and kissed above his beating heart. There was something so reassuring about hearing the muted lub-dub through his chest wall. Knowing how many times I nearly lost the opportunity to be in this moment made me hate myself a little more.

"I'll think about it," I whispered.

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><p><strong>AN: If you all could just leave a little bit of love in a review I would greatly appreciate it! I always love to hear what you all think about where I'm taking these characters. <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again guys! I have to say thank you all so much for all of the reviews and feedback, I appreciate every single one and take into consideration all of your opinions. **

**Once again let me share about how I am not the original owner of The Hunger Games, but I do own a ticket to see the movie on Friday in IMAX! **

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><p>The next morning I woke up to hearing Peeta whistling in the shower. I stretched my body feeling the muscles I had used the night before protest. I smiled to myself as I made my way to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.<p>

I found some bacon and eggs and quickly made a simple breakfast. I didn't have any solid plans for the day so I kept everything warm until Peeta came to join me. After I heard the shower turn off it was only a few minutes before I heard him coming down the stairs.

"Good morning," Peeta said as he kissed my hair and grabbed a plate of food.

"Morning," I replied.

"Why didn't you join me in the shower?" he asked.

"I wanted to do this."

Peeta simply smiled and took a few bites of the bacon. We silently ate our breakfast catching each other's eyes to exchange smiles every so often. As soon as he was finished Peeta washed his plate and took mine as soon as I was finished.

"So were you serious about what you said last night?" Peeta asked.

"I told you that I'd think about it. I never said it was a for sure thing," I replied.

"Is there anything I can say or do that could make it a for sure thing?"

I shook my head.

"Annie called yesterday," he said changing the subject.

"How is she doing?"

"As well as she can," Peeta replied, "little Fin is on the honor roll."

"He is such a smart boy," I smiled thinking of the green-eyed boy.

"Could you just try for a second to imagine one of our own with your eyes and my hair?" Peeta pleaded.

"It's easy to imagine what our child would look like in theory Peeta. It just so happens it's harder to imagine anything bad happening to them."

Peeta crossed the room and pulled a chair up in front of where I had turned to watch him wash the dishes. He took my face in both of his hands and rubbed his thumbs over my cheeks. I could feel his eyes searching mine before he kissed me lightly.

"Oh Katniss, I wish you could see the things I do. You're destined to be an amazing caretaker for a child. You have the fiercest protective nature and while I know you pretend to be tough that inside you're as soft as they come."

I smiled and placed my hands on Peeta's thighs as I leaned forward to kiss him. I felt things begin to escilate when Peeta pulled me to straddle his thighs. I could feel his erection and it only spurred me on further.

"If we had a kid we would never have a spontaneous moment like this again," I said grinding into him.

"We'd find a way for it to happen," Peeta panted kissing my neck.

"What if they walked in on us, could you imagine their horror," I laughed pulling his shirt over his head.

Peeta laughed as he followed suit and removed my shirt exposing me completely. I ran my hands down his chest marveling at the differences in skin textures. While I had caressed him like this before I felt like I was just finally feeling. My fingers tingled with anticipation as I loosened his belt buckle.

"You are so beautiful," Peeta whispered.

I couldn't respond as he lowered his mouth to my right breast and licked the skin there. Peeta quickly helped me shed his trousers and underwear. I kissed him deeply as I sunk down onto him.

Peeta gripped my hips tighter as we both neared our completion. As soon as we both were satisfied Peeta held me against his chest. Our bodies moist with perspiration seemed to stick together.

We wordlessly separated and I removed myself from him. I quickly made my way to the shower to lean up and get ready for the day. After I dressed I met Peeta back in the kitchen.

"I'll be home for dinner tonight," he smiled.

"As will I," I smiled back putting on my dad's leather jacket.

"Don't go too crazy today," he laughed kissing me and leaving.

I shook my head and made my way out the back door to the woods. It seemed that this was going to be my place for the day. It was easy for me to find a deer to bring to Sae who would leave me with the best choices of meat.

As I made my way into town with the deer I felt as if people were staring at me. It wasn't anything new to be looked at, but I felt like for once there were judgements passed. I could practically hear the whispers in my head about why Katniss hadn't had a kid, and how she spent her days in the woods.

I quickly hurried into Sae's shop and thrust the deer onto the counter. I left a note to Sae that I'd be back to get meat in about two hours and quickly hurried to the bakery. I desperately needed to know if these whispers I felt in my soul were actually true.

I winced as the bell above the door rang and caused the few customers in the bakery to look at me. I smiled as pleasantly as I could before pushing my way to Peeta's office. I found him there without trouble and nearly slammed the door behind me.

"Katniss is something wrong?" Peeta asked alarmed at my entrance.

"Not seriously," I replied hastily. "Do people talk about me? I mean, do they say that I'm still crazy for my hunting and not having a child?"

Peeta smiled gently as he reached for my hand. I quickly placed my hand in his and linked our fingers.

"Katniss, people always ask me when we're going to have a baby," he replied honestly. "But I never hear anyone say you're crazy."

The tension I was carrying left my body, and I nearly sagged in relief.

"But, they are still wondering about a baby," I whispered.

"All of Panem is still wondering about a baby," he smiled gently. "But you can blame me for that since I said you were pregnant that one time."

"I try to block that out."

"I know, and I don't blame you. I'm still very sorry for saying that, I just had hoped it would give you a higher level of protection," Peeta told me.

"I think so many knew it was false," I laughed humorlessly.

"But there are those that didn't believe it was false and they're the ones that are still desperate for us to announce that we're having a child of our own."

I sighed and sagged into a plush chair. I linked my fingers and drummed them over my lower abdomen. It was hard to comprehend that Panem was still so invested in us. It had been years since we were bothered by a reporter, but we still received letters from news papers wanting us to release a statement about our lives. The countless amount of biographies released on our lives were used as kindling every winter.

"So do you think we should give them what they want?" Peeta joked raising his eyebrows.

I shook my head in reply to his question.

"I was really hoping to make that baby, here in my office," Peeta laughed. "That'd be a fantastic story don't you think."

I laughed at Peeta's idea. It was horrible and he knew it.

"You're lucky I love you," I laughed before kissing his lips.

"I know," was all he said as I closed the door behind me.

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><p><strong>AN: Please do take the time to share a review with me, I'd appreciate it so much. It helps me write just a little faster, which benefits everyone involved right? :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Obviously I do not own The Hunger Games series, that title belongs to the amazeballs Suzanne Collins. No copyright infringement intended.**

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><p>A few weeks later I found myself in a sterile doctor's office to speak with them about coming off of my contraceptive. Peeta had worn me down about having a baby to the point that I had agreed. I was so terrified, but I couldn't ever say no to him.<p>

"Good morning Katniss," Doctor Greer greeted as she walked into the exam room.

"Hey," I mumbled picking at the gown I had been given to wear.

"So what is that brings you in today?"

"I want to talk about coming off of my contraceptive and conceiving," I said finally meeting her eyes.

Dr. Greer couldn't contain her surprise and it was written all over her face. She closed my chart and looked at me seriously for a few seconds.

"Have you spoke about this with Peeta?" she asked.

I nodded my head and continued to pick at the gown.

"Okay, we'll just do a quick exam and I'll send you home with some prenatal vitamins. Just quit taking your pill after your period and you should be fine to try."

I nodded and prayed for the appointment to be over as quickly as possible. But unfortunately it never seemed to go that way. On my way out I stuffed the pills in my bag as quickly as I could and practically ran home. I need to get away from the medical office as quickly as I could. I laughed a little as I took the pills out of my bag when I got home and saw the "Proudly Made in District 12" sticker on the front. It seemed off-putting to see the bottle in my medicine cabinet so I quickly closed it.

I exhaled heavily as I left the kitchen and immediately grabbed the leather jacket and my bow from the closet and went to the woods. I felt tension leave my body as I settled into my favorite spot and waited patiently for game to wander in front of me. It also allowed me time to have my mind wander.

What was I doing agreeing to try to have a baby? Obviously making Peeta happy was my priority, but was I sacrificing part of myself? I shook my head as I heard a branch snap nearby and immediately armed my bow. The rabbit was dead before I even had a chance to think about it.

I stumbled my way through the woods back home a few hours after I had killed the one rabbit. There were more game that wandered in front of me, but I was too lost in my own thoughts to really engage.

I threw the rabbit on the counter I used to take care of game and went to wash my hands. Leaving the rabbit I stripped my way to the shower. I just didn't have it in me to truly do anything other than lay in bed and think. And that is where Peeta found me when he came home. In bed, buried in the covers sound asleep.

"Katniss," Peeta whispered as he pushed the hair back from my face and kissed my temple.

I moaned and buried myself deeper into my fluffy pillow. Call it a creature comfort but after sleeping in caves and wherever I could during the games I longed for a bed that just felt like I was sinking into it.

"Honey, do you want dinner or do you just want to sleep?"

I opened my eyes and met my husbands striking blue ones. He smiled slightly as I grimaced at my eyes adjusting to the light.

"Hey," I grumbled.

"You look beautiful when you first wake up, have I told you that?"

I laughed a little before rolling to my back and wiping my eyes of sleep that had gathered there. I sat up slowly and was immediately drawn into my husband's arms. He made me smile as he kissed my forehead and scooped me into him and carried me to the kitchen.

"So why exactly are you carrying me?" I asked.

Peeta smiled before answering, "because sometimes I just want to pamper you a little."

I shook my head and motioned for him to sit me at the kitchen table where he had made dinner.

"I threw the rabbit you killed today out," Peeta told me. "It had to be bad by the time I got home."

I nodded agreeing silently.

"Thank you, I just didn't have it in me today to take care of it."

"You're welcome. So didn't you have that appointment today?" Peeta asked swirling noodles around his fork.

I choked on my food slightly. I had no idea that he knew about the appointment.

"How'd you find out?" I asked.

"You told me this morning Katniss."

I scrunched my face trying to remember. "I don't remember doing that," I told him.

"It doesn't matter anyways," Peeta smiled. "What did the doctor have to say?"

I sighed and glanced to the package of vitamins on the counter where I left them earlier. I knew Peeta would be ecstatic at knowing that in less than a months time we would be well on our way to trying to have a family. However, I was still apprehensive.

"She said that I should discontinue my contraceptive after my period, start taking one of those prenatal vitamins every day and that I was completely healthy," I shrugged.

"That's fantastic news!" Peeta exclaimed as he squeezed my hand.

"I guess so."

"I love you," Peeta told me squeezing my hand one last time before releasing it.

"I love you too," I smiled back before digging into my dinner.

The next weeks following my period were interesting to say the least. Peeta was home at the most obscure times of day, and consistently asking me about how I felt. I knew he had done a lot of research on women's bodies and pregnancy and at this point had my cycle down to an art.

"Why are you home today?" I asked sleepily one morning when I realized it was 10 A.M. and Peeta was still in bed with me.

"This could be the day," he smiled back before pulling me to him.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I frowned.

"Well," he smiled before kissing me. "according to my calendar you're ovulating and I just had the staff run the bakery today."

My mouth formed a silent "O" before Peeta rolled on top of me. I tried not to laugh at his seduction as he pulled my night shirt up over my head and immediately began kissing my scarred chest.

"I love you," Peeta mumbled against my breastbone as his lips continued their journey down my body.

I ignored the lingering kisses over my belly and moaned when he finally reached my pubic bone. I guess I shouldn't complain too much about the act of trying to make a child because apparently I was going to get the most pleasure out of it.

"I love you too," I breathed parting my legs for Peeta's shoulders.

As Peeta's lips continued their assault on my body I continued writhing beneath his touch. As soon as I came Peeta was inside of me. I felt like my body was electrified, every touch of skin to mine felt like so much more.

"Katniss," Peeta cried when he finally achieved his release. I followed nearly immediately and lay beneath him panting for a few minutes after. Peeta lightly kissed the shell of my ear and rolled to the side and pulled me to his chest.

I don't know how long we laid there, naked and intertwined. Finally my stomach grumbled which caused Peeta to laugh and get out of bed. He smiled and kissed me before he headed to the kitchen.

I smiled to myself as I watched his backside walk away. Even with the prosthetic leg he had kept himself in shape and I was completely appreciative. I must have dozed off because when Peeta came back with a tray of fresh bread, fruit, and cheeses he had to call my name a few times before I realized it.

"Do you think we did it?" Peeta asked feeding me a grape.

I had to chew slowly, because I knew otherwise I was going to choke on my food from surprise. I didn't think about the act we just participated in creating a child and my stomach sank with the though. Only because I knew it had happened.

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><p><strong>AN: Hello everyone! Thank you all so so so much for all of your reviews and subscriptions to this story! I'm still beyond flattered and excited about every single one that graces my inbox. You all are amazing, and you know if you want to continue doing that I won't tell you no ;)**

**Also, hasn't seen the movie? Well you're a disgrace, ok not really, but it was pretty amazing. I've already seen it twice and I'm not even ashamed!**

**Leave a review and let me know what you thought of this chapter, even if it is you telling me how awesome you are I don't care :) **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games franchise or any of the money that is associated with it. All of that belongs to the brilliant Suzanne Collins who created this story we all know and love so well.**

**This particular chapter deals with raw subject matter. **

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><p>It was nearly three weeks later after the morning that I knew something had changed, that Peeta came home with a urine test for me. The elation on his face made it incredibly hard for me to show my displeasure about taking the test. I took my time in the bathroom, and sunk to the floor while I waited for Peeta to come join me.<p>

"Have you looked yet?" Peeta asked joining me on the floor by the bathtub.

I shook my head and continued looking at the floor.

"Together?" he asked, tilting my eyes to meet his.

"Always," I replied.

Peeta linked his hand with mine and pulled me to the counter and turned the test over. The plus sign on the test was practically screaming at me. Peeta instantly scooped me in his arms and twirled me around. When our eyes met the tears brimming Peeta's eyes made me feel even more guilty than I already did.

"Are you happy?" Peeta asked when he finally sat me down.

"I'm surprised really," I answered.

"But are you happy Katniss?"

"I don't know yet," I cried feeling my own tears trail down my cheeks.

Peeta nodded silently and wrapped his arms around me. I could feel his happiness all around me and in turn I was happy. Did I know what I was going to do with this baby? Not in the least.

"Do you want anything for breakfast?" Peeta asked.

"I think just some fruit," I answered.

Peeta kissed my forehead before he left me alone with my thoughts in the bathroom. I continued staring at the positive result on the test and just felt lost. I instantly remembered when Prim was only a few months old and the first smile she gave me. She was such a happy baby, laughing and completely unaware to the turmoil that plagued Panem.

I dressed for the day quickly and joined Peeta in the kitchen. I leaned against the doorframe taking in my husband as he cut some melon and put it on a plate for me. I smiled to myself thinking about how much he truly loved me. Sure, we had our moments that were difficult to get through. Peeta's meltdowns where he forgot that he was in District 12, married to me, and not still a captive in the capital were few and far between these days. But my own meltdowns were becoming more frequent it seemed.

"I hope melon is okay?" Peeta asked over his shoulder.

"Of course," I answered pulling out two cups from the cabinet.

I silently poured two cups of water and placed them on our kitchen table. Peeta placed a bowl of fruit in front of me and sat down to my right. I was lost in my own thoughts through breakfast. We were one of the only people I had ever known other than Annie and Finnick who had made a baby on their first try.

It was then that I started crying, I watched as those tears hit the table top. I cried for Finnick never getting to meet his son, and for me living when I shouldn't have. I continued to sob when Peeta pulled me into his lap and soothed me as best he could.

"What are you thinking?" Peeta asked smoothing his hand down my back.

"I'm thinking about Finnick and how he never met his son, it's just not fair," I replied sniffling.

"No it wasn't, but Nick knows exactly why his dad isn't here."

I nodded into Peeta's neck and tangled my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. Silently he held me for what felt like a lifetime, I finally stopped crying and leaned up to take a bite of my breakfast.

"What if something happens to one of us?" I asked.

"Then the other will get through it, it happens to kids who's parents aren't in danger as well," Peeta reassured me.

"That doesn't make it any easier on the kid," I mumbled.

"True," Peeta replied.

"I guess I should probably make a doctors appointment right?"

"I guess we should probably do that," Peeta replied with the smile evident in his voice.

Four weeks later I found myself back in the sterile doctor's office, but this time with my husband at my side. I was naked from the waist down and a sheet covering me. It was a bit awkward if I had to be honest. Usually this was something I did alone and now I had an audience.

"Are you okay?" Peeta asked linking his hand with mine.

"Yeah."

Peeta smiled and nearly jumped out of his skin when the doctor came in. There were a few pleasantries exchanged before the doctor really got down to business.

"How are you feeling Katniss?" Doctor Greer asked.

"Okay," I shrugged.

"Good," Doctor Greer nodded. "So how about we get down to business and get a look at that baby?"

Peeta was beaming beside me as I settled into the stirrups. You should think that there would have been some advancement in how they positioned women but they hadn't. It was still the awkward eyes up while someone is in your privates.

"Ok Katniss and Peeta if you two look at the screen there should be your baby. Katniss you're going to feel a lot of pressure as I insert the transducer," Dr. Greer said right before I felt pressure.

"Oh god," I breathed as it hit my cervix.

The silence that followed was painful. I looked at the screen and sure there was something that looked like a bean, but I had no idea what was on that screen. Peeta was vibrating next to me with excitement but when Dr. Greer didn't say anything he squeezed my hand.

"Well Katniss and Peeta I have some bad news," she said somberly removing the transducer and having me sit back into a normal position.

"What do you mean?" Peeta asked.

I could tell from the look on her face that she was trying to figure out how to tell us. But inside I already knew our baby was dead. I was already such a failure as a mother that I killed my own child.

"Well, Katniss it looks as if you've had what we call an incomplete abortion. This doesn't mean that you did something for this to happen, it happens more often than you think. Unfortunately I will have to prescribe you a medication that will cause the fetus to fully abort and for you to have a complete miscarriage."

"I did this," I whispered to myself.

"No," Dr. Greer said, covering my hand with hers. "You did absolutely nothing that would have caused this to happen. Many pregnancies end in miscarriages and the person doesn't know it. I know it isn't helpful to hear this now. But the biggest thing for you to remember is this isn't your fault at all."

"I really did do it," I sobbed. "I didn't want the baby, and it knew it."

"Katniss," Peeta whispered rubbing my back.

"I'm so sorry Peeta," I told him.

I had to get out of the exam room. It was too hot in there, and I felt everyone's eyes on me. I jumped off of the exam table and pulled on my pants and shoes and stormed out. I was still sobbing uncontrollably and the tears blurred my vision. As soon as I got out of the medical building I started sprinting for the woods.

As soon as I reached the lake shore I plopped down and folded in on myself.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I loved you every day," I sobbed as I palmed my stomach. "I really did love you, but I don't think emotionally I was ready for you."

I don't know how long I sat there screaming, crying, and staring into the water. Eventually I noticed that the sun was setting and that it was becoming colder out. I washed my face in the lake and started to make my way back home.

When I reached the back door I just saw Peeta hunched over the table in the kitchen looking at the photos Dr. Greer had taken today. The only photos we would ever have of our baby. I reached out for the doorknob twice before turning on my heel and walking to Haymitch's house. I couldn't go home to that, not tonight. I knew Haymitch wouldn't be much better company but at least he wouldn't shed tears like Peeta would.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm incredibly sorry to anyone who had a difficult time reading this chapter. I'm a nurse who has to tell parents more often than I like that these same things have happened and give them discharge instructions. If you've ever had a miscarriage I'm incredibly sorry, and please remember it wasn't your fault. **

**That being said, please do review this chapter and let me know what you think. I am so flattered with every single review that comes in, and I'm sorry if I haven't replied thanking you! They always put the biggest smile on my face, especially when I'm having a difficult night at work! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games, that title belongs to the amazing Suzanne Collins. I just like to play with her characters and take them on a journey.**

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><p>About 30 minutes after I got to his house Haymitch kicked me out. Surprisingly enough he had maintained sobriety since a year after we moved back to District 12 and since then he treated me more like a daughter than a tribute. I couldn't complain too terribly much about it since right now it's all I truly needed.<p>

"You need to get home and actually talk to your husband about this Sweetheart," Haymitch told me.

"I can't handle how he's going to look at me," I shook my head.

"Get out of here Katniss," Haymitch said as he shoved me out the door.

I shook my head and started the walk back to my house. Peeta was no longer at the kitchen table and the kitchen was diserted. I shut the door as quietly as I could behind me and found the note with medication on the kitchen counter. I felt the tears gather in my eyes again as I popped the pill into my mouth.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered after I swallowed the pill.

"Katniss," Peeta said softly from behind me.

"Hey," I croaked turning to meet his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded and crossed my arms around myself. I took in Peeta's face, he looked so similar to when I first saw him in District 13. I had no idea what to say to him, no idea where to start after today.

"Are you okay?" I asked Peeta.

"Yeah," Peeta replied. "I'm more worried about how you're handling it."

"I'm handling it."

"We'll get through this, like we always do," Peeta told me as he wrapped me in his arms.

"Together," I murmured into his chest.

The next few months when my period came on schedule I no longer thought about it. I moved on and tried not to feel the disappointment that was in my soul. I didn't realize how much I wanted that baby until we didn't have it anymore.

"Hey, what's for breakfast?" I asked as I made my way into the kitchen.

"Eggs and toast," Peeta smiled at me.

"Yum."

"So am I benched?" Peeta smiled as he sat the plate in front of me.

"You were benched anyway," I laughed.

"I know, just think we can start trying again in a few months," Peeta smiled.

I didn't know if I was ready for that. I don't think I could handle it if I miscarried again.

"Peeta, I was thinking that I can't just sit around the house anymore. I need to get out," I said as I broke off a piece of bread.

"What were you thinking of doing?"

"I was thinking about volunteering somewhere," I shrugged.

"Doing what?"

"I honestly don't know," I told him.

"Well I'm sure whatever you find that you'll be great at it."

I smiled back at Peeta knowing that this is one of those reasons I married him. I figured I'd start asking about the new after school program I heard about waiting at the doctor's a few weeks ago at a follow up appointment.

I made my way to the new school that had been built and nearly turned around. I heard children screaming and instantly turned toward the noise. I didn't even know it but I had started walking toward the playground. I rested my arms on the top of the fence and watched the small children chase each other. This was a completely different picture of childhood than the one I had.

"Hi Mrs. Mellark," one child said as they picked up a ball from near me.

"Hey," I called back forcing the muscles in my face to a smile.

I watched the kids for a few more minutes until I continued to the office. Getting the information I wanted I signed up to be a mentor to some of the younger kids once a week. I smiled to myself as I made my way back home.

When I got home I instantly grabbed my bow and jacket and turned around back towards the woods. I knew my mind was finally clear enough that I could actually hunt. I settled in and just waited for something to cross my path.

"So how was your luck today?" Peeta asked when he came home that evening.

I turned the burner on low and took the spoon that was stirring sauce in a stock pot out and placed into a spoon rest. When I turned around my husband was smiling at me leaning against the door frame. I felt my heart leap in my chest and had to keep myself from running towards him. I was so happy after this afternoon that I couldn't contain my enthusiasm.

"It was great," I smiled. "I'm going to start volunteering at the school every Monday afternoon."

"Doing what?" Peeta asked as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Teaching them to sing," I replied holding him closer.

"Oh," he breathed. "That will be so good."

"I thought you'd enjoy that," I smiled and kissed his Adam's apple.

"You just don't know how much."

I squeezed him tight one last time and went back to my orange sauce. Since goods were getting shipped into District 12 I actually figured out how to make the chicken with orange sauce that we had during our first trip to the Hunger Games. I only made it when I was in a good mood, and today was more deserving than the last time I made it.

"I hope you're ready for some Capital delights," I smiled plating the food.

"Is it the lamb stew?" Peeta asked from where he was cutting a loaf of bread.

"Better," I replied.

"Orange chicken!" he exclaimed happily sitting down.

"I know we've had a rough couple of months but I want today to be a turning point."

Peeta just smiled at me and dug into his meal.

We ate wordlessly for a few minutes before Peeta interrupted me with a bite midway to my mouth.

"So I was thinking maybe we could go see your Mom sometime," Peeta suggested.

"I don't know about that," I said putting my food down.

"Katniss, she's the only parent either of us have left. Maybe she will know something to help us in the future," he argued.

"I'll call her after dinner and ask to see," I conceded.

"Thank you."

I nodded and scooped another bite into my mouth. The rest of dinner was silent, but all I could think about was explaining to my mother that we were wanting to visit her for the first time since she moved there.

After cleaning up dishes I locked myself in the office. I paced behind the desk and stared at the phone on the desk. I sat down and chewed on my thumbnail before I picked up the phone. I dialed my mother's phone number from memory and waited for her to pick up.

"Hello," my mother greeted.

"Hi Mom," I replied feeling slightly more relaxed at her happy tone.

"Katniss, how are you and Peeta?"

"Good, we were actually talking tonight at dinner about coming to visit you," I told her.

"Oh Katniss," my mom breathed. "That would be so fantastic. There is so much I could show you here."

"Well when would be a good time for you? We'll obviously have to see if it works with the bakery schedule," I said.

"Any weekend honey," my mom told me.

"Okay, let me go ask Peeta real quick when would be good for him."

I sat the phone down on the desk and ran to go find Peeta. I found him in the bedroom reading a book.

"Hey, when would be a good time to see my mom," I asked.

"This weekend would be good, I already took it off," Peeta smiled over the top of his book.

"Okay, looks like we better book some train tickets," I smiled back before closing the door behind me.

I picked the phone off of the desk and heard my mom speaking to someone. I won't deny eavesdropping for a few moments but I finally felt the need to interrupt her.

"Mom," I called.

"Yes honey," I could hear the smile in her voice.

"How would this weekend be for you?" I asked.

"It sounds perfect."

"Good," I breathed, "I guess we'll see you then."

"See you soon," she replied as she hung up the phone.

I hung up the phone and just smiled. It would be so good to see my mother even though it would be so heartbreaking at the same time. But it was time for me to grow, and I knew I was finally ready.

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><p><strong>AN: Wow, so sorry about the delay on this chapter! I've been working four 12 hour shifts a week, plus adding in finishing finals (one more to go!). I promise I had a good excuse :)<strong>

**Thank you all so much for all of the reviews from last chapter! I'm still blown away with all of the response and am completely flattered! Now can you all keep it up? :) I wish I had cool incentives for you to do it like maybe a preview of next chapter...oh wait I totally can do that! Sooo, moral of the story is review & get a preview!**

**PS. Who else is totally obsessed with The Mating Games by ktface3?**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Wow! Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing this story! I have gotten so many hits on the story, favorites, and alerts. I'm honestly beyond shocked at this!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Hunger Games, if that isn't already obvious.**

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><p><p>

Staring out the train window to District Four was almost like stepping back in time. Peeta was still at my side just like he was those years before. I stared out the window watching the scenery change and felt Peeta's hand squeeze mine.

"What are you thinking about?" Peeta asked tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"When we first came through here during the tour."

"Oh, that was so long ago Katniss," Peeta replied.

"I know, but now coming here I have this different appreciation for it. It's where friends of mine were from, people I actually got to know really well."

"And a few you get to see again while you're here," he smiled.

"I am looking forward to seeing Annie again. I doubt Nick will remember me though, and I'm dreading the day he hates me for what I put his dad through," I replied staring at our linked fingers.

"I don't think he will ever hate you," Peeta tried to reassure me.

"Do you hate Snow for killing your parents?" I asked.

"Honestly, no. I did at first, especially when I was still having all of those flashbacks but I forgave him a long time ago. He was a desperate man."

"Well I still hate Coin for bombing those children and in turn killing Prim," I whispered.

"And that's your right to do that Katniss. But Nick is like Annie, she forgave you for any involvement you had a long time ago," Peeta reassured me.

I kissed his cheek and resumed my position looking out the window. I knew we were getting closed based on the scenery and was ready to get off of this train. I was getting closer to having a panic attack every minute I was still on that train and didn't feel like making a scene. I breathed a sigh of relief the minute they said we would be at the station in less than five minutes.

"So the plan is to get our things and find your mom right?" Peeta asked.

"I guess so, she didn't call to say any different last night," I replied gathering up some of my things.

"Is it weird I'm actually excited to see her? I know before she said that you'd have to be thirty before we were married, but now she can't say any differently even though we're both older than that now."

I smiled and shook my head at Peeta's reasoning. I still regretted my mother saying I'd have to be thirty to be interested in a man. I knew she was barely older than 20 when I was born.

"She'll be excited to see that we're doing so well, I think," I said.

"I hope so."

As the train pulled into the station I looked to the platform to see if my mom was anywhere to be seen. I saw her blonde hair and her hands waving in the very front of the platform.

"There she is," I said pointing to my mom.

"Oh man she really is excited," Peeta laughed as he waved out the window.

"I can't believe how different she looks," I commented.

"She has more color, and she's obviously eating much better," Peeta agreed.

We gathered up our luggage and joined the queue of people disembarking the train. There was a large family ahead of us with so many children with bronze colored hair. I was instantly reminded of Nick when he was around five and Annie brought him to visit. Could these have been relation to Finnick? I tried not to think about it as I made my way to my mother.

"Hey mom," I smiled as my mom embraced me tightly.

"Katniss, oh honey," my mom sobbed rubbing her hand down my back.

"It's good to see you," I breathed, truly meaning it.

"You look so good," Mom breathed holding me at arms length.

"You too," I said taking her in fully.

"I'm sure you remember my husband," I joked pulling Peeta forward.

"Of course I do," mom laughed, "how are you Peeta?"

"I'm good Mrs. Everdeen," Peeta smiled wrapping his arm around my waist.

"I'm glad to hear that, now come on I can't wait to show you my home," my Mom said as she led us off the platform.

I felt Peeta shift so our hands were intertwined and we wordlessly followed my mom. I tried not to look around and gawk at everything, it was so different but the same from the last time I was there. Peeta and I also had to ignore all of the stares from people who seemed shocked that we were there.

"I really wish they wouldn't stare, we're nothing special," Peeta mumbled.

"It's really annoying," I agreed.

From there it was only a short walk to my mom's house. She continually was pointing out little things and places she went often. We nodded and smiled but were really thankful whenever she unlocked her front door and ushered us in. I was exhausted and ready to be in a place where I didnt' feel under the microscope.

"This is the bedroom you and Peeta will be staying in," My mom said as she opened a guest room.

"It's nice mom, thank you."

My mom nodded and said she would let us get settled. Peeta and I both threw our bags down and fell into each other's arms on the bed. I curled my legs around his and felt myself drifting off.

A few hours later I felt an arm on my shoulder jolting me awake. I rolled onto my back before I sat up and was met with my mother's face. I tried not to laugh when my mom put a finger over her mouth indicating I should be quiet.

"What's up mom?" Katniss asked as she shut the door behind her.

"Not a lot. I just wanted to talk a little while we made dinner," she smiled.

"Oh," Katniss replied following her mother to the kitchen.

Katniss sat at the kitchen counter as she watched her mom pull all of the ingredients and supplies from the cabinet for dinner. She took the vegetables and knife in front of her and started to slice the cucumber.

"So Mom, what have you been up to lately?" Katniss asked.

"Work mainly," her mom smiled over her shoulder. "It's been so satisfying training new employees. Their passion for healthcare is still new and they're so eager."

"That's good," Katniss replied.

"How about you Katniss, what's going on in your life?"

Katniss took a deep breath trying to decide how much to tell her mother. Did she tell her about the miscarriage? Or just gloss that over because it was obvious her mom was trying to be happy and she didn't need to try and change that.

"Well, I started volunteering with the school," Katniss supplied.

"Oh that's good," her mom replied, "what exactly are you doing?"

Katniss smiled thinking of the kids she spent time with.

"Helping teach them to sing, and just silly little songs."

Katniss' mother immediately turned around, the spoon covered in sauce was dropped on the ground. Katniss felt guilty as she watched the tears brim her mother's eyes.

"That is just wonderful," her mom breathed through her tears.

"I enjoy it."

"Of course you do Katniss," her mother tearfully replied, "you are your father's daughter after all."

At that moment Peeta chose to make his presence known. Katniss knew he had been listening for a few minutes, but was thankful he waited. Katniss smiled as her mom turned around to dry her eyes.

"Hi honey, did you have a good nap?" Katniss asked.

"I did, but I woke up alone," Peeta laughed before kissing her cheek.

"Sorry bout that Peeta," Katniss' mom said as she turned around to greet her son-in-law.

"It's okay Mrs. Everdeen," Peeta smiled.

"You know you can call me Mom if you want Peeta."

"I'll try to remember that," Peeta laughed snatching a piece of cucumber.

"I know I'll never be a replacement for your family, but I'd like to think that I could at least somewhat fill the role if you'll let me."

Peeta smiled before kissing his wife's temple and moving to help cook. Silently for the next hour they all worked together to construct what could have been called a feast in the Seam but was meager for the three people eating.

"This is good Mom," Katniss smiled as she took another bite of the stew they had made.

"Thanks, I'm sorry I think I underestimated how much to make," she replied smiling sheepishly.

"It's okay," Peeta smiled scooping the last bite into his mouth.

"So you two, I have a question," Mrs. Everdeen smiled over her drink.

"Okay," Katniss replied nodding.

"When am I going to get a grandchild out of you two. I know you swore you wouldn't ever have kids Katniss, but have you thought any more about it?"

Katniss felt tears flood her eyes and she immediately left the room. She knew inside it wasn't her mom's fault for asking the question, had Peeta's parents been alive she knew she would have been hearing the question for years. But, she still couldn't resist touching her empty womb and crying.

After a length of time Katniss pulled herself together enough to rejoin Peeta and her mom in the kitchen. She approached slowly feeling the knot in her stomach grow larger with each step. She became a bit more relaxed when she heard the mutterings of her mother and husband and the sympathetic tones coming from her mom's mouth.

"Katniss," her mom greeted softly as she reached the kitchen.

"Sorry about that, it's a very sensitive subject for me right now," Katniss offered with a small smile.

"I know, Peeta explained everything to me."

Katniss felt the blood drain from her face and she felt a little woozy at the thought of Peeta's explaining this to her mother so she wouldn't have to relive it. While she was grateful, she was feeling a little more ready to talk about it. The blood pounding in her ears blocked out Peeta's apologetic exit from the room and left her looking at the table while her mother held her hand.

"Katniss, honey I feel like I should tell you a story," her mother started.

"Mom, this isn't like when I was four. Stories won't make it better."

Katniss' mother just shook her head. She knew her daughter was still hurting. The way she had curled into herself and refused to meet her eyes any longer was just like how her father acted.

"Regardless you're going to hear it," her mother started. "About a year after you were born your father and I became pregnant again."

"What?" Katniss whispered looking at her mother.

"Yeah, we were so scared but so excited," she laughed. "We figured we hadn't killed you yet so what would another one hurt?"

Katniss wiped her tears and leaned in to listen.

"I was probably four or five months along when your brother was born. Katniss, it was the most painful moment of my life to that point. I just remember all of the pains and then there was this lifeless tiny body in my hands. He was so beautiful," her mother trailed off as sobs took over.

"Oh Mom," Katniss sobbed rounding the table to hug her mom.

"Trust me when I say this Katniss," her mom said seriously looking in her eyes. "You will overcome this pain. You will want to have a baby, not to replace the one you lost but to give the love you already have to someone. Sure, Peeta is obviously loved by you. But love for your children is so different Katniss."

"I'm just so scared it will happen again," Katniss whispered.

"And if it does then you'll try again. You have always been fearless, always," her mother reassured her smoothing her hair.

"I know eventually you will have a grandchild Mom, Peeta wouldn't have it any other way."

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><p>AN: Thank you all so much for all of the reviews, favorites, and alerts from the last few chapters! I am still in shock and awe at all of this. I won't lie I love all of your thoughts and reviews on this story. I know this was a boring filler chapter but, I'd still appreciate a few kind or critical words. It does help this story move along.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** **I have not and obviously never will own the rights to The Hunger Games. That distinction belongs to the lovely Suzanne Collins. Me? I just like to play with her characters :)**

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><p>In the weeks that marked our return from District Four Peeta and I had become closer than ever. The nightmares I had about The Games now involved our faceless child but were becoming less frequent that immediately after the miscarriage. I was finally able to talk about it now in the therapy sessions I had scheduled, which was what I considered a breakthrough.<p>

"Hey honey," Peeta mumbled as he shuffled into the kitchen one Sunday morning.

"Hi," I greeted brightly going back to whisking the eggs before me.

"Are you making breakfast?"

I nodded as Peeta's arms found purchase around my waist, and his nose in my neck. I smiled to myself thinking about the dream I had the night before. Last night didn't have any nightmares, but I had a dream where Peeta was in his studio with a small blonde haired child. The dream conversation I eavesdropped on was still on repeat in my mind.

"Did you have a nightmare? Is that why you're up so early?" Peeta asked.

I shook my head and smiled to myself.

"It was a good dream, but I couldn't sleep after," I replied pouring the eggs into the pan.

"Is it one you want to talk about or not?" Peeta asked smiling as he leaned against the counter.

My mouth went dry as I looked at my husband. His blue cotton sleep pants were low on his hips revealing his taut stomach, his blonde hair was still sleep ruffled, and he had this mischevious grin that made my stomach flip. Sometimes I couldn't believe that he chose me, especially when there were so many beautiful girls he could have chosen over me.

"I feel like if I say it aloud it won't come true," I replied.

"I'll let it go then," Peeta replied. "You look beautiful this morning."

I smiled as I flipped the eggs. "I could say the same for you. You have no idea what you're doing to me right now."

"We could fix that," Peeta replied advancing and trapping me between his arms.

"Mmm," I moaned. "We could but then we would never have breakfast."

"Fuck breakfast I'd rather have you instead," Peeta replied as he turned off the burner and immediately kissed my neck.

I laughed as Peeta forced me onto the counter, but was quickly silenced by his hips parting my legs. I moaned as his hands lifted my sleep shirt up over my head effectively bearing my naked body to him.

"You're so beautiful to me Katniss," Peeta mumbled before attacking my breasts with his mouth.

I didn't exactly have a reply to that other than thrusting the breast his lips were attached to into his mouth. When his fingers started probing my sex I threw my head back onto the cabinet behind me.

"You like that don't you?" Peeta whispered in my ear.

"Yes," I moaned. "Oh God right there."

"Remember I know you Katniss. Exactly where to touch, exactly where to kiss to make you come."

I'll be honest, when Peeta got into these particular moods I wasn't ever sure how to react. For such a mild mannered man he had a penchant for sex in weird places with plenty of dirty talk.

"Then make me come," I whined as he stopped circling my clit with his thumb.

Peeta kissed me firmly before lowering himself so his mouth was on me. The faster he moved his tongue the closer I came to exploding all over his face. Within a few minutes I was screaming and pulling his hair.

"I love you Katniss," Peeta said as he kissed me.

"I love you too," I replied before forcing him to a kitchen chair.

"What are you doing?" Peeta gasped as I straddled him.

I looked over my shoulder and gave him a wink. I had heard about this position while we were in District Four, something called a reverse cowgirl. At the time I couldn't wait to try it but staying in my mother's house really wasn't the best time.

"Oh god," Peeta gasped as I started to raise and lower myself on him.

I couldn't control how fast I was making myself go, I just felt so good.

"Katniss, I'm close," Peeta said as he pulled my torso against his.

"Oh god me too," I gasped as he started to set the pace and play with my clit.

As we both reached our climax we just sat, still connected. As I started to raise myself off of Peeta with shaky legs he pulled me back to him.

"I'll be home early tonight," Peeta whispered as he captured my earlobe in his mouth.

"I'll be waiting," I giggled.

"In front of the fireplace naked I hope?"

I laughed out loud at that. We had never done anything like that, and while I couldn't say I wouldn't be looking forward to it I was still nervous. Fire made me a little uneasy still but for him I'd face my fear.

"That's a yes I take it?"

"Yes," I smiled raising myself off of him again.

"I suppose we both need showers," Peeta smiled.

"We better not take them together or you'll never make it in to work," I laughed.

"That's true, I better go first so I can get into the bakery," Peeta smiled kissing my forehead as he made his way to the bathroom.

Really I had another thought in mind. I went into our bedroom and placed two pillows under my hips and hoped for the best. My mother had made a point of teaching me how to track my ovulation schedule and today was supposed to be the day.

"What are you doing?" Peeta laughed as he woke me up a short while later.

"Helping your swimmers to the potential egg that my body is releasing today," I mumbled.

"Katniss," Peeta whispered.

"It can't hurt," I shrugged.

"I'm coming home for lunch too," Peeta smiled kissing me.

"I'll be waiting," I laughed.

As I heard the door shut I smiled to myself. Now that we had both made this decision to have kids. Even though it took me a while to break down, and a miscarriage I was ready. I am fucking terrified of what kind of a mother I will be, I am well aware my emotional strength is limited and I don't coddle people.

I could feel a panic attack coming so I reached for our telephone to call Annie. My breathing sped up as I waited for her to answer. When she finally answered on the seventh ring I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"Hello?" she answered incredibly chipper.

"Annie, do you think I can be a good mother?" I blurted out.

"Katniss, oh honey of course you will be," she replied to my question.

"But, what if I'm not. What if all the horrible things I've seen come back to haunt me, what if I end up wrapping them in cushion and never letting them out of the house," I rambled.

Annie's laugher on the other side of the phone made me stop instantly. I wasn't trying to be funny, I was being serious.

"Annie, I'm not being funny," I said seriously.

"I know, I just remember thinking the same thing," Annie said as she stopped her giggles.

"How did you get over it?"

I heard Annie sigh before she started.

"Honestly, I didn't. There are some days that I freak out and demand that Nick stays inside even though all he wants is to go down to the beach and play with his friends."

"What does he say when you say that?" I asked.

"He just rolls his eyes at me. He usually gives me a hug and then picks a book to read. He's gotten so used to my mood swings like that that he just tolerates it. But we've always had an open relationship regarding why I act the way I do. I've explained everything about The Games, how Finnick died, and why his mom sometimes freaks out at the water."

"When did you tell him about The Games?" I asked. "I just want to know when is an appropriate time to essentially end their childhood innocence."

"Nicky was probably six I think when the school's here started talking about it. They still haven't gone into as much detail as I did with him, but he understands I think."

I sighed and thought about having to relive those memories with my child. Explaining why Daddy didn't have two flesh eggs, why I cried every time Prim's birthday rolled around, why I refused to sing anymore. How could I sooth a child that I couldn't sing to?

"Katniss are you still there?" Annie asked breaking me out of my trance.

"Yeah, sorry."

"What brought this on?" Annie asked.

I let out a deep breath. "Peeta and I just had a miscarriage a few months ago. We're finally ready to try again and I'm even more nervous this time."

"Oh Katniss, I'm so sorry to hear that. How far along were you?" Annie asked.

"It's okay now. We were probably around twelve weeks. I mean they said that the fetus was nine weeks though. God Annie it was so hard to force myself to take that abortion pill," I sniffled.

"I can only imagine Katniss. I couldn't imagine having a life without Nick, especially since I know I'm never going to have any more kids," Annie said softly.

"I guess that makes me lucky," I mumbled.

"You are lucky Katniss. You will love this child that you're going to have wholeheartedly and without abandon just like you do Peeta."

"I hope you're right," I mumbled.

"I hate to do this Katniss but I really need to go. I have some errands I need to run today," Annie told me.

As quickly as we had gotten on the phone we were then off of the phone. I laid there in the bed rethinking everything Annie and myself had spoke about. I slowly got up after that and walked to the room I had decided would be the baby's nursery. I sat down in the empty room at just looked at the blank walls.

I could easily imagine the room painted a soft green with paintings of the woods all over a wall with our child's name in the leaves. I knew Peeta would spend hours creating a mural, and the corner by the window would be perfect for rocking our child to sleep. I could feel tears running down my cheeks when Peeta found me there on his lunch break.

"Katniss, what's wrong?" he asked as he scooped me into his arms.

"I just can't wait until there's a baby in this room," I cried.

"Do you think we could fix it today?" Peeta asked kissing my neck.

"I hope so," I sniffled.

It was from there that my husband seduced me in what would be our child's room. For each orgasm he gave me the closer I knew we were to having this room filled with at least one baby if not two.

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><p><strong>AN: Hi there, sorry about the massive delay in this story. I took a well deserved vacation to Los Angeles a few weeks ago, with full intention of writing on the plane. However, I got sat next to some of the most interesting people I have ever met and didn't feel comfortable busting out some HG porn to write ;). Can you blame a girl? That being said I busted this one out just last night because Sarah got her groove back ya'll! Annyways! I will not be stopping this story any time soon. If it does get pulled you will be able to find me at The Writer's Coffee Shop under the same pen name. I will be busting my tail to get all of this uploaded to there as well.<strong>

**Are you bored of me? Check out the amazeballs Falafel Waffel or is it Falafel_Waffel regardless I suck at pennames and her stories totally don't suck. I drop everything when one of them comes into my inbox, this includes when I'm at work. **


	9. Chapter 9

As always, I do not own The Hunger Games, that great honor belongs to Suzanne Collins.

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><p>A few weeks later I found myself sitting in another paper gown at Dr. Greer's office. I was too nervous at home to take a pregnancy test so I just came in. Dr. Greer understood enough to squeeze me in on her lunch break but made no small reminder of the fact that she had to eat too and appointments were preferred.<p>

"Hello Katniss," Dr. Greer smiled as she entered the exam room.

"Hi."

"So we're here to determine if you're pregnant?" She asked.

"Yeah, I already handed in my urine specimen and the tech girl drew blood," I informed her.

She chuckled lightly as she looked through my chart again.

"Well, I'm afraid to say it Katniss, but you're not pregnant."

"Really?" I asked feeling tears trail down my face.

"According to these two tests yes."

"Oh my god," I sobbed through my tears.

"Have your periods been regular since the last time you came to see me?"

I shook my head. They had been at best semi-regular, every few months or so. But that wasn't the point.

"Okay, well due to that it may be a little bit more difficult to conceive until they are regular. I suggest that you keep track of when your period comes to help see if it is becoming more regular. I'm more than happy to have a meeting with Peeta and yourself to discuss this as well as any other options," Dr. Greer offered.

"I think we'll just keep on doing what we're doing for awhile. Do you have any suggestions for me that I can try to do?"

Dr. Greer smiled at me lightly before she let out a breath.

"Best thing you can do is to not stress about it. The more you worry, the more you think about it, and the more disappointment you're going to have. I'm not saying you won't ever get pregnant. You've already shown that you and Peeta are compatible in that sense. Your uterus is textbook, and both ovaries looked great when we did your ultrasound. Best thing I can suggest is just slowing down the sex to every other day so Peeta's sperm has time to rejuvenate and to not stress about it."

"I can try that," I said softly rubbing my wedding ring.

"It's all I ask," Dr. Greer replied. "Now let's get you dressed and home."

Later that day I had to break the news to Peeta. He was one hundred percent sure that I was pregnant; he kept telling me every day that he just knew it. I knew I was just going to break his heart again.

"Hey," Peeta smiled as he walked through the door.

"Hey," I replied as I filled a mug with warm water.

"So did Dr. Greer have good news?"

I shook my head and watched as one stray tear wound up in my tea.

"Oh well I guess that just means we have to try harder," Peeta smiled wrapping his arms around me.

I let out a watery laugh. "She actually suggested we slow down so your sperm can have a better chance."

"Well, I guess that's fair. I was overworking them wasn't I?"

"You never heard me complaining," I replied.

"Oh that's for sure. If anything you were singing their praises," Peeta smiled as he kissed my cheek and moved to the pantry.

"So does that mean you're okay with this?" I asked.

"Katniss, if you think I'm angry about the turn of events you're wrong. Disappointed? Absolutely but it isn't just your fault. Between us there just wasn't a meeting and you know, that's okay."

"Okay," I whispered.

"Do you want venison on cheese buns for dinner?" he asked from the pantry.

"Sounds good to me. I'm just going to go to the bedroom."

I walked silently to our bedroom. I made a point not to slosh my tea onto the carpet before I sat it on my nightstand. I reached into the drawer on the side and brought out the calendar that I had bought that afternoon. I listed when my last regular period was as well as every day I had spotted. None of it was making sense to me why I couldn't pin point down a day we could put forth an effort for this child we both desperately wanted.

I was woken up a few hours later by Peeta crawling into bed behind me. I tried not to jump as his arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me to him. He sighed and kissed the place behind my ear that was solely for him.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep," I whispered.

"It's okay, I got some sketching done."

"Anything you're ready to share?" I asked

"No not yet. It's just the background; I still have to find the subject. I have it in my mind but I want to physically see it."

"Oh," I replied snuggling further into him.

"It's okay, you'll see it eventually," he smiled.

The next morning I awoke in Peeta's arms, I sat up quickly and looked over Peeta to see his prosthetic leg leaning against the window. Many nights I forgot he even wore one because it wasn't getting in the way while my legs were tangled with his one.

"Good morning," I whispered rolling on top of my husband.

"Katniss Everdeen," Peeta's deep sleepy voice replied.

I knew when he started calling me by my maiden name that I was in store for flashbacks. I quickly got out of bed and ran to the bathroom to get his medications. By the time I got back he was standing looking out the window with the stony blank expression I associated with him when he was like this.

"Peeta Mellark, you are in District 12, you have been freed from the Capital for ten years," I assured him in a firm voice.

"Katniss Everdeen," he growled.

"Peeta Mellark, I need you to take this medication," I replied holding out the white pill.

"Why should I take medication from you? You have attempted to kill me," Peeta practically yelled.

"That is not true Peeta," I stated.

I watched his face start to shift and he was beginning to come back to me. I had seen this type of show before, but it has been years since I saw one that lasted more than 1 minute. Peeta rubbed his face then slowly took the pill from my hand and followed it with the small cup of water I handed him.

"Katniss, I'm sorry," Peeta mumbled as he found his way back to bed.

"It's okay, I'll go open the bakery and call in Posy to help," I said as I covered him once again.

"You love me, real or not real?" he asked smiling slightly.

"So very real," I replied kissing him soundly.

"You can't wait to have my baby, real or not real?"

I laughed and then patted his shoulder as I left. As I trailed away from the bedroom I yelled "Very fucking real."

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><p><strong>AN: Well now that my summer class is over I hopefully will be able to spend more time on this. This chapter took me forever because I was really struggling with it. There was a lot of should I or shouldn't I. Oh well. <strong>

**My recommendations for this chapter:**

**Strung Up in the Air by DeathCabforBritney Holy balls, this is such a touching story. Peeta has cancer, Katniss is just jacked in the head as usual. On the upside it's incredibly medically correct which keeps me from OCDing out. I have severe issues with medical stories that lack reality due to the four years of nursing school and years of working in the ER that I have. So this has my official seal of approval.**

**The Grandmentor by silvercistern is just so adorable. Like it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.**

**Lastly my favorite Semper Fidelis by Falafel_Waffel I just can't get enough of this chick and her stories. I'm so thankful for a realistic military story set in present day. No flowers and roses with Katniss writing to Peeta as he's away at war, THANK GOD! **

**Please do send me some reviews and a little bit of love. I noticed reviews um disappeared last chapter, totally unfair. **


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